Public Service Announcement
December 12, 2009
I think it’s time I give back to society a little. So, I would like to present some different ways on:
How not to be killed by me on a bike
Not getting killed by me on a bike was considered a complicated and near-impossible feat to achieve. Not anymore! If you follow these easy and safe tips, people of all walks of life, all ages, and all abilities will be able to live their lives without getting killed by me on a bike!
Tip 1: always look forward when walking
This is the most important tip to avoid getting killed by me on a bike. When walking outside, it is very important to keep your eyes forward. Scientists now believe that light reflected off objects, for example, me, on a speeding bicycle, passes through the cornea, is focussed on the lens, and is converted into electrical signals by the retina. These signals are then computed by your brain and converted into useful information. In short, you will “see” me on a bike speeding towards you.
What this means is when walking, you should not keep your eyes on your cell phone, you should not stare at the beautiful girl/boy across the street, and possibly most important of all, you should not keep you eyes closed. Look forward! Not only will you spot me on a bike, racing towards you, you will be able to spot other things racing towards you. Like a pickup truck! Or a bulldozer! Or a brick wall hurled by some sort of wall cannon. Avoiding all these things will improve your health!
Tip 2: always look both ways when crossing streets or coming out of a store
This tip is often overlooked with good reason. Not only should you look left, you should also look right. Scientists now believe that this complicated set of maneuvers often results in people forgetting a crucial step.
Astrophysicists and quantum physicists have recently discovered that objects don’t just move towards you head-on, they often move towards you from other vectors too, like from the left, or from the right, or from behind. It’s a complicated physics thing so to simplify, just look both ways before you cross a street or come out of a store.
Not doing this can result in my smashing into you from the left or right because you suddenly popped onto my path of movement. I try to ensure no one is in my path but many people love blindly walking into my bike.
Notice that I didn’t suggest looking behind. While it would be safe to look behind, it is generally acceptable to not do this. I will take it upon myself to not run into you by following Tip #1. I always keep my eyes forward when I’m biking and thus I will be able to avoid running into you.
Loyal reader #516218 has suggested that looking right first, then left, also works. This is true! Looking left first or looking right first – it really doesn’t matter. What does matter is that you complete the whole procedure. Left, then right. Or right, then left.
Tip 3: avoid stopping in the path of moving objects
It would be unreasonable to ask anyone to always constantly look out for dangerous moving objects at all times. We’re only human after all and we can’t be on guard all the time! I think it is reasonably safe to assume that when you’re in a convenience store, or in the comforts of your own home, or even standing alongside a wall, you will most likely be safe from moving objects.
However, it is highly advised that you avoid stopping in the path of moving objects. It is very dangerous to your health to suddenly stop in the middle of a highway, or at the top of an escalator, or in the middle of the sidewalk. Most people moving along a path that is always used will want to assume that they can continue moving without fear or running into anyone. It makes it very difficult to avoid hitting you when you suddenly decide to just stop in the middle of the path.
While it maybe easy for a pedestrian to literally, stop in his tracks, I, on a bike, have a much more difficult time because of the bigger mass of the bike and the momentum. It is very detrimental to your health to do this!
Wrapping things up
So there you have it. Following these three easy tips will dramatically lower the risks of being killed by me on a bike. It is time we reduce unnecessary deaths and injuries and possible beatings from me by remembering that you are not the only person on the street and that others share the streets with you.
Until the next public service announcement!
Where’s your mask now?
August 29, 2009
150,000 patients estimated to have contracted flu this week
TOKYO — About 150,000 people are estimated to have become infected with influenza in the week ended Sunday, considered mostly the new strain of flu, the National Institute of Infectious Diseases said in a preliminary report Friday. [full article]
According to this Japan Today article, there are an estimated 150,000 cases of swine flu in Japan now. On the train, on the streets, basically everywhere I go, not a single face mask is to be seen.
Back a few months ago, when the number of flu cases hit around 800, face masks were sold out, I was made to wear a mask while teaching, and The Woman was even yelled at by some old man on the subway for not wearing a mask. Had I been there he would have had to yell at me, for decking him for yelling at my wife.
I blame the retarded media in Japan. They have shown time and time again that they blow everything out of proportion. While the 150,000 cases of flu is going on, the retarded media is covering the stupid antics of some washed-up celebrity who did some drugs and following every single move about this story. I’m not even going to name this no-talent druggie to not add to the problem.
I wish the general population would wake up and think for themselves instead of taking the news on TV at full face value. I’m guessing that this is not localized to Japan neither.
I have to go. The news says that complaining too much causes rashes.
The Brute
August 16, 2009
Recently I encountered yet another person who thought they knew it all about martial arts. He’s one of my students from a corporate class that just ended and they all took me out for dinner that night. While drunk, he started talking about how he is (was?) able to do something like 200 pushups. I told him that that was fantastic! He then told me he did some sort of Japanese kenpo system. To be honest I have no idea what style it was because 1. I had never heard of it and 2. he was slurring from the alcohol he had imbibed.
Well anyway, he then told me that he could beat me in a fight. He knows that my “hobby” is kung fu. He has never seen my kung fu before nor have I really talked about it beyond the extent of “I’m going to my kung fu class this weekend.” I thought it was rather rude that he would hold such an opinion without even seeing what I do, or more importantly, what I can do.
I wasn’t angry because this was not the first time I’ve heard comments like this and also because there’s no point being angry at a guy who’s generally very nice but unfortunately drunk at the moment. I asked him calmly, why he thought he could beat me. He said because he’s stronger than me (because he can do 200 pushups). I actually agreed with him – he is stronger than me. I can’t do 200 pushups. I told him, if we were ever to fight using pushups, he would definitely win.
I then started explaining that in my style, I wouldn’t fight brute strength with more brute strength because, for the reason I had just explained, I would lose. I’m not a very strong person. He still insisted that he would beat me.
One lesson Steve has imparted on me is that sometimes some people take better to a physical lesson rather than a verbal lesson. Obviously I wasn’t going to start beating him up or anything but a simple demonstration would suffice.
I asked him to grab my arm with both hands and push. I deliberately pushed back and let him “win”. I didn’t use my full muscular power because he was drunk and he couldn’t use his full power but I resisted just enough to let him push me backwards. I then reassured him that “Wow you are strong. You are definitely stronger than me.”
Then I told him, “OK this time, push me again but I’m not going to use strength to defeat you.” He obediently grabbed onto my arm again and started pushing. As soon as I felt the “break point” of resistance, I just took a sidestep and watched as he stumbled forward – it’s hard to push against something when it’s no longer there. My point of this was to show that there is more than one way to fight a fight – brute strength being one of them, and using the opponent’s strength against him being another. I didn’t make any judgements on either one because that wasn’t the point.
He got back up and said, “I could still beat you”.
Indeed.
Broken
June 24, 2009
On Monday last week I made my way out to Kyoto for a class in the evening. I got there early around 6:00 for this 6:30 class. I headed to a Starbucks near the pharmaceutical company where I will be teaching and ordered a nice tall ice latte. With the heat approaching, there’s nothing like a nice tall late outside.
At around 6:10 I get a call from one of the guys from a company I work for asking where I was and if I was ok or not. Strange, I thought. I responded that I was near the company and that yes, I was, in fact, fine.
“The class started ten minutes ago…”
Oh crap on a stick.
I had somehow forgotten that this class actually starts at 5:50. I have classes that start at 6:30 and somehow I mixed the times up. I had to ditch my just arrived latte and made a mad dash for the company. In the end I was about 20 minutes late. The students were super understanding and really just laughed my apologies away. And I apologized profusely! I also apologized to my company and as expected, everyone was super cool about it.
What really bugged me was that in my nearly eight years in Japan, I had never, not even once, been late to a lesson until that day. As a trainer back in the old Nova days, it was my disliked responsibility to speak with teachers who did turn up late, whether it was an accident or not. I was probably one of the very very very few people who had never been late before there and I thought I could continue my beautiful record at this new place.
Sadly, I can no longer say “I have never been late”. I can only settle for a much less, “I have almost never been late”.
The taxi driver
September 29, 2008
Slightly less than a year ago, I was walking with Steve to the classroom in Namba for our kung fu class. This was when I was still the only student. We were crossing the street and I kept my eye on the taxi driver who was turning. The taxi driver also kept his eyes on us and slowly crept forward, hoping to get past the pedestrians as quickly as possible. Because he kept his eyes on his, he turned his head to keep watching us. His head turned left, he released the brake and the taxi started moving forward. Unfortunately a woman had not finished crossing and was hit by the taxi driver.
He had completely taken his eyes off the road and drove forward, hitting the woman.
The woman was not terribly hurt as the car was moving slowly. Still, this basically summarizes my opinion of Japanese taxi drivers. They all seem to be a hair away from an accident and badly injuring other drivers or pedestrians. They often drive excessively fast and cut corners (literally and figuratively) whenever possible. I’ve seen so many red lights being run by taxis and narrow misses.
A few weeks ago, I was at home reading something on the internet or playing a game or something when I heard a loud bang from outside. I got up, looked out the window and saw a taxi driver pulled over with its blinkers on, a crowd of pedestrians gathering near the street, a kid’s bicycle on the road, and finally, a kid, being carried from the road to the sidewalk. The taxi driver had hit the kid on the bike.
The kind people on the street got the kid to sit down and just consoled him and waited for the ambulance. The kid was not terribly hurt as far as I could tell from the 11th floor because he was conscious and not crying.
The ass of a taxi driver spent the whole time on the phone and checking things in his taxi. He did not even approach the kid, to check if he was ok, to say sorry, to do anything a human being with compassion might do when he or she accidentally hits another person with a car. I present the ass:
The ambulance came very quickly and put a neck brace on the kid and hauled him off in a stretcher. As he was facing upwards I could see his face and he did seem fine. I’m sure he probably got kicked out of the hospital the next day and made to do his homework.
The police came rather late and questionned the pedestrians and finally the taxi driver. They checked the taxi and the bicycle and from the way they put the bicycle against the taxi to confirm stratches, it seemed like he hit the bicycle head on, on the right headlight.
Since the driver sits on the right side of the car, the kid was basically right in front of the driver when he was hit. This leads me to believe that this taxi driver did not have his eyes on the road as well, otherwise he may have seen the kid on a bike and avoided him. I can even believe that the kid probably came racing across the street when he wasn’t supposed to but as a driver, the taxi driver should’ve been prepared for things like this and stopped in time.
I sincerely hope for better driving habits in this country from all people before more stupid kids are needlessly hurt.
Oops
March 21, 2008
On my stroll to Umeda earlier this week I noticed a construction site and beside it, a half-torn down building. There’s usually nothing strange about this but I also noticed about half a dozen police officers and a couple of police cruisers in the area, lights on. I also notice one TV camera pointing at the busted up building. There were at least two dozen people around the area watching and taking pictures with their cell cameras along with a helicopter hovering above.
Hum… this isn’t your regular torn down building. Upon closer inspection, I realize that this half-torn down building still had a lot of stuff inside. I could see office furniture and some paperwork still inside. Furthermore, only the back was completely torn down – the front was kind of intact. Also, the whole thing was leaning dangerously towards the sidewalk and street.
Then I realized it. The construction site beside this building must’ve accidentally destroyed this building! Judging from the city workers that were just arriving at the scene, it probably happened not long before I happened to walk by. I wonder how it felt for the people in the building at the time to have a crane accidentally hit structure causing it to come crashing down. It reminded me of that crane accident in New York.
I forgot to catch the news later that day so I really have no idea how the accident went down, no pun intended.
Overheard
March 08, 2008
I went to a bar last night with Laura. It was my first bar visit in months. As much as I enjoyed catching up with Laura, I had the unfortunate luck of overhearing this rather inane conversation by some fellow gaijins. They were not young – they were at least in their mid twenties.
Gaijin A: I could kick his ass. (referring to Gaijin C)
Gaijin B: I don’t know about that.
Gaijin A: What? Really?
Gaijin B: Yeah, C has the training factor.
Gaijin C: Yeah I train a lot. … not that you don’t train at all.
Gaijin A: Oh come on…
Gaijin B: Yeah, C has the martial arts factor.
Gaijin C: Yeah I do.
Gaijin A: Well I have the marital arts factor.
Gaijin B and C: That’s true that’s true.
Gaijin A: I can handle crazy bitches.
I now remember why I don’t frequent bars anymore.
This is justice
June 09, 2007
Screaming Paris Hilton sent back to jail
God I really hate her.
(A) would make me very happy
June 07, 2007
Me: “I am now asking you to stop playing Sudoku in lessons.”
Dumbass: “How am I supposed to stop from falling asleep?”
Me: [choose your answer].
Possible answers that I wanted to say.
A. “Take your right hand, make a fist, and repeatedly hit your orcish-looking face with it until you reach skull, or through skull.”
B. “Sign your name on this sheet of paper called Resignation Form.”
C. “Step onto a highway blindfolded. Wear black clothes and do this at night if necessary.”
D. “Choose another guy to give lip to.”
Congratulations dumbass, you’ve made my list.
My num lock doesn’t work
June 01, 2007
I, have the honor of being Dumbass #2 a day after the whole thing was introduced. I fear what’s to come.
Coming home from a very atypical Friday at work followed by some Tap, I came home and turned on my computer. Trying to type something resulted in something weird… my keyboard wasn’t working. I restarted my computer. Hmm… still not working. I uninstall the keyboard, unplug it, blow on the connection to clear out any dust or gunk, and plug it back in and install it. Hmm, still not working.
Wait! Some keys are working. Weird. Roughly half of the keys worked. The numbers worked but the number pad did not. The function keys worked. Scroll lock and Caps lock worked, but not Num lock. Hmm, most of the letters worked but not all. Some careful experimenting showed that most of the lower right side of the keyboard did not work.
I thought maybe a rather clever but annoying virus had somehow made its way into my fairly new computer and wireless network. It was weird but it was working fine this morning…
… oh yeah.
Basically right before I left the house at 6:40am this morning, I knocked half a glass of water that spilled into… the lower right side of my keyboard. I had only hastily tried to shake out the water.
Time to get a new, waterproof keyboard.
Exploding Gyoza
May 31, 2007
A term coined by Guillaume, Exploding Gyoza becomes the very first episode of Dumbass Chronicles, a new category I’ve decided to add to my blog.
Yesterday at work, our first ever dumbass decided to heat some food in a plastic container in our new microwaves at work. They were literally installed that morning.
She decides to heat up this tiny plastic container for 10 minutes.
The plastic melts, the food is set aflame.
As I walk up the stairs to the standby room, I see the room filled with white smoke and several staff members opening doors and turning on air conditioners trying to help clear the air a bit. I work for the next hour or so in the office, eyes becoming sore, throat becoming irritated, anger and disbelief enveloping my common sense.
Because of this dumbass’ ability to realize that exciting water molecules in a small plastic container will melt it, super heat the food so that it bursts aflame, the microwaves have now been temporarily suspended from action, resulting in 700 people not having access to the microwaves. Thank you, dumbass.
Today’s Brain Defect
July 13, 2006
“Ouch. Hot oil is hot.”
