Public Service Announcement
December 12, 2009
I think it’s time I give back to society a little. So, I would like to present some different ways on:
How not to be killed by me on a bike
Not getting killed by me on a bike was considered a complicated and near-impossible feat to achieve. Not anymore! If you follow these easy and safe tips, people of all walks of life, all ages, and all abilities will be able to live their lives without getting killed by me on a bike!
Tip 1: always look forward when walking
This is the most important tip to avoid getting killed by me on a bike. When walking outside, it is very important to keep your eyes forward. Scientists now believe that light reflected off objects, for example, me, on a speeding bicycle, passes through the cornea, is focussed on the lens, and is converted into electrical signals by the retina. These signals are then computed by your brain and converted into useful information. In short, you will “see” me on a bike speeding towards you.
What this means is when walking, you should not keep your eyes on your cell phone, you should not stare at the beautiful girl/boy across the street, and possibly most important of all, you should not keep you eyes closed. Look forward! Not only will you spot me on a bike, racing towards you, you will be able to spot other things racing towards you. Like a pickup truck! Or a bulldozer! Or a brick wall hurled by some sort of wall cannon. Avoiding all these things will improve your health!
Tip 2: always look both ways when crossing streets or coming out of a store
This tip is often overlooked with good reason. Not only should you look left, you should also look right. Scientists now believe that this complicated set of maneuvers often results in people forgetting a crucial step.
Astrophysicists and quantum physicists have recently discovered that objects don’t just move towards you head-on, they often move towards you from other vectors too, like from the left, or from the right, or from behind. It’s a complicated physics thing so to simplify, just look both ways before you cross a street or come out of a store.
Not doing this can result in my smashing into you from the left or right because you suddenly popped onto my path of movement. I try to ensure no one is in my path but many people love blindly walking into my bike.
Notice that I didn’t suggest looking behind. While it would be safe to look behind, it is generally acceptable to not do this. I will take it upon myself to not run into you by following Tip #1. I always keep my eyes forward when I’m biking and thus I will be able to avoid running into you.
Loyal reader #516218 has suggested that looking right first, then left, also works. This is true! Looking left first or looking right first – it really doesn’t matter. What does matter is that you complete the whole procedure. Left, then right. Or right, then left.
Tip 3: avoid stopping in the path of moving objects
It would be unreasonable to ask anyone to always constantly look out for dangerous moving objects at all times. We’re only human after all and we can’t be on guard all the time! I think it is reasonably safe to assume that when you’re in a convenience store, or in the comforts of your own home, or even standing alongside a wall, you will most likely be safe from moving objects.
However, it is highly advised that you avoid stopping in the path of moving objects. It is very dangerous to your health to suddenly stop in the middle of a highway, or at the top of an escalator, or in the middle of the sidewalk. Most people moving along a path that is always used will want to assume that they can continue moving without fear or running into anyone. It makes it very difficult to avoid hitting you when you suddenly decide to just stop in the middle of the path.
While it maybe easy for a pedestrian to literally, stop in his tracks, I, on a bike, have a much more difficult time because of the bigger mass of the bike and the momentum. It is very detrimental to your health to do this!
Wrapping things up
So there you have it. Following these three easy tips will dramatically lower the risks of being killed by me on a bike. It is time we reduce unnecessary deaths and injuries and possible beatings from me by remembering that you are not the only person on the street and that others share the streets with you.
Until the next public service announcement!
