A Letter To My Neighbours
August 20, 2003
Dear neighbour 1,
I would just like to bring to your attention that your incessant loogie hocking at 5:30 in the morning is much louder than you probably think it is. It has rudely awakened me on plenty of occasions and perhaps even more lately because I leave the window open due to the hot temperatures. Also, the sound of your loogie hocking is more than necessary to curdle the blood that runs in my body. Everytime I hear you, I feel like it is my pure body that is trying to expel some vile, grotesque bulbous shaped phlegm ball. Please refrain from further hockings and if possible, swear on your right testicle that you will buy some cough syrup to clear up your problem.
Dear neighbour 2,
Let it be known that I acknowledge that you are not one entity but actually a group of young entities. I shall refer to all of you as neighbour 2 for simplicity. I would just like to bring to your attention that your selfish disregard for the level of noise you create between 1 and 3am is quite unacceptable in any fathomable social setting. I respect everyone’s personal life and their right to enjoy life but would you not agree that talking loudly and laughing much like evil hyenas on the street late at night is perhaps infringing on other people’s right to enjoy sleep? Although I do not fully understand your banter that creates such humourous ruckus, I am confident that it is indeed as witty as your laughter makes it seem. I would be the first in line to commend you on your well timed humour if I were able to understand you. However, I would only do so in daylight, when people are wide awake and not trying to fall asleep amid your noise.
Dear neighbour 3,
Much like neighbour 2, I acknowledge that you are not one entity but actually 2 or 3 young male entities. I shall refer to all of you as neighbour 3 for simplicity. I would just like to bring to your attention that your love of your motorized bicycles has caused some commotion and is creating uncomfortable environments for sleep. I deeply admire the love you show your motorbicycle. The fact that you rev the engine multiple times shows your loyalty to your machine. I know it is only necessary to rev your engine to perhaps express your intelligence and high regard for others. The lovely harmonic tones of the engine bring nothing but joy to my chilly spine. I encourage you to rev your dual wheeled motor vehicle as many times as you can but perhaps it would be wise to limit your reving to only daylight hours? At night, your love for your machine may be interpreted by others as rude, obtrusive noise that hinders their wanting to fall asleep. I don’t know, it’s just a thought.
Dear neighbour 1, 2, and 3,
It would bring me such pleasure to meet all of you in one airtight, escape-proof room. I would definitely celebrate our friendship by locking the doors and lighting carton after carton of cigarettes until the oxygen in the room has been used up as fuel for the small flickering flames of each cigarette. We could regale in 1′s medical mystery, 2′s comedic talent, and 3′s mechanical ingenuity. Perhaps when you are all lightheaded from the lack of oxygen and the over inhaling of second hand smoke will you appreciate the feelings of friendship and love that I have for each of you. I hope my tender feelings for you transform into the physical plane and inflict on your all the joyous wishes I wish on you.
Sincerely Yours,
Insomnia Man.
