The Chronicles of Arthanus Silvertome
August 27, 2003
So ever since my mentor Gorion tragically passed away, I have been entrusted to protect his fake son Jimmy. Now, Jimmy is a nice lad but he sure is a handful. First of all, he struts around like he owns the place. If it were up to me, I would’ve spanked that boy more often and with more force. Still, I know on another plane somewhere, Gorion is wishing for me to make sure young Jimmy doesn’t get in trouble
A clown like Jimmy is hard to keep out of trouble. He doesn’t just ask for it, he begs for it.
So we were standing outside an Inn… I think it was the Burning Wizard. Bah, it’s not important where. What is important though is that as Kagain, Khalid and I were stepping through the door, a scoundrel started attacking us. Well, really, he wanted to kill Jimmy. Jimmy probably owed him a shiny nickel or two. Well, seeing how if we didn’t stand in the way, Jimmy would’ve been trampled and gutted like a fish, the three of us stood valiantly at the door, defending Jimmy and attacking this interloper. As fate would have it, my good brother-in-arms Khalid was brutally slayed by the fiend’s battle axe. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I couldn’t believe we didn’t defeat him… the six of us combined should’ve been able to defeat him very quickly. I turned around and then I knew the answer.
Jimmy and the two ladies were outside counting four leaf clovers and had just bothered to step in as Khalid was being slain. If they had followed us like we told them to, maybe brother Khalid would still be alive today. I can’t blame Jimmy though, he’s still a child and he needs a strong presence beside him. Someone who can show him the way of the sword, instead of the way of the harp. Show him muscle, not smooth silky hair. Show him heroism, not hedonism
Before you can say “Know a Gnoll who can gnaw through a gnome?” Jimmy was at it again. We were on our way to return some girdles we found when I told Jimmy. Be careful there Jim, one of them is cursed but the other one is a treasure. It’s a Girdle of Piercing and it just might save your life when someone is sticking some spears into your groin area. I blame myself for telling Jimmy that I didn’t know which one was which but apparently the old lady did. She took the girdle of piercing and left Jimmy with the cursed one. Jimmy, being Jimmy, thought he had bested the old woman. He thought he held in his hand the very girdle of piercing.
Sparing you the gruesome details, Jimmy now boasts a very nice rack and white skin even the fairest elf princess would envy.
I had to teach him Rule #1 - never put on anything that has not been identified.
Sigh, Gorion… what should I do???
A Letter To My Neighbours
August 20, 2003
Dear neighbour 1,
I would just like to bring to your attention that your incessant loogie hocking at 5:30 in the morning is much louder than you probably think it is. It has rudely awakened me on plenty of occasions and perhaps even more lately because I leave the window open due to the hot temperatures. Also, the sound of your loogie hocking is more than necessary to curdle the blood that runs in my body. Everytime I hear you, I feel like it is my pure body that is trying to expel some vile, grotesque bulbous shaped phlegm ball. Please refrain from further hockings and if possible, swear on your right testicle that you will buy some cough syrup to clear up your problem.
Dear neighbour 2,
Let it be known that I acknowledge that you are not one entity but actually a group of young entities. I shall refer to all of you as neighbour 2 for simplicity. I would just like to bring to your attention that your selfish disregard for the level of noise you create between 1 and 3am is quite unacceptable in any fathomable social setting. I respect everyone’s personal life and their right to enjoy life but would you not agree that talking loudly and laughing much like evil hyenas on the street late at night is perhaps infringing on other people’s right to enjoy sleep? Although I do not fully understand your banter that creates such humourous ruckus, I am confident that it is indeed as witty as your laughter makes it seem. I would be the first in line to commend you on your well timed humour if I were able to understand you. However, I would only do so in daylight, when people are wide awake and not trying to fall asleep amid your noise.
Dear neighbour 3,
Much like neighbour 2, I acknowledge that you are not one entity but actually 2 or 3 young male entities. I shall refer to all of you as neighbour 3 for simplicity. I would just like to bring to your attention that your love of your motorized bicycles has caused some commotion and is creating uncomfortable environments for sleep. I deeply admire the love you show your motorbicycle. The fact that you rev the engine multiple times shows your loyalty to your machine. I know it is only necessary to rev your engine to perhaps express your intelligence and high regard for others. The lovely harmonic tones of the engine bring nothing but joy to my chilly spine. I encourage you to rev your dual wheeled motor vehicle as many times as you can but perhaps it would be wise to limit your reving to only daylight hours? At night, your love for your machine may be interpreted by others as rude, obtrusive noise that hinders their wanting to fall asleep. I don’t know, it’s just a thought.
Dear neighbour 1, 2, and 3,
It would bring me such pleasure to meet all of you in one airtight, escape-proof room. I would definitely celebrate our friendship by locking the doors and lighting carton after carton of cigarettes until the oxygen in the room has been used up as fuel for the small flickering flames of each cigarette. We could regale in 1’s medical mystery, 2’s comedic talent, and 3’s mechanical ingenuity. Perhaps when you are all lightheaded from the lack of oxygen and the over inhaling of second hand smoke will you appreciate the feelings of friendship and love that I have for each of you. I hope my tender feelings for you transform into the physical plane and inflict on your all the joyous wishes I wish on you.
Sincerely Yours,
Insomnia Man.
Mega Illustrated Update
August 17, 2003
Oh what a great weekend.
Firstly, Eri had Friday off so we got to start our weekend together one night earlier. On Friday, we woke up a bit late but had a good lunch at this place a couple blocks away. The owner there heard Eri talking in English and was rather curious. He started talking to her and almost completely ignoring me because, well, I’m a crazy foreigner and there was no way I could understand (I understood a bit). He has a son working in San Francisco and thought speaking in English is cool. LikeIgiveadamn. Well, at least if I go to the place on my own next time, he’ll not give me a blank surprised stare when I say in broken Japanese that I can’t speak Japanese. During lunch, I gave this crazy suggestion that we go somewhere far away for a day trip. We got all excited and crap but then realized it was 3pm and the place we wanted to go to would be closed in two hours. So, we went to this butterfly exhibit in a department store. I took a whole bunch of pictures and I’ll put those up later. It was cool. Then we went home and watched Ice Age - it was alright but it’s no Pixar flick.
On Saturday, we again slept in late but it was ok because by the time we ate lunch, it was only 1pm. We headed over to Kyoto and roamed around, are you ready for the romaji… “Toei Uzumasa Eiga Mura”. Toei is a Japanese film company, Uzumasa is the place, and Eiga Mura means “Movie Village”. An English equivalent would be Universal Studios Hollywood Theme Park. It was awesome! There were lots of old style Japanese buildings and many have been used in old samurai movies. There was a haunted house featuring old samurai style victims and live actors that play dead until you walk past them. Eri was freaked but I found it as frightening as the last Scream movie. The best part for me was a live fight scene from some samurai drama series. The hero and the cute damsel in distress fought off about 5 evil warriors and 1 funny evil warlord (with funky green hair). I took tonnes of pictures. The hot and humid weather even subsided a lot today for us to enjoy walking around in the sun.
We left the place at about 5pm and spent the next hour and a half looking for good spot to see the Daimonji Festival. This translates as, “Big Word Festival”. Essentially, they cut out paths on the side of some small mountains in the shape of 4 chinese characters and 2 symbol thingies. Then, they light these paths on fire. The result is you get these beautiful characters glowing really brightly in the dark. It was really awesome. The place we went to consisted of two bridges, a river, and some grassy areas. We managed to squeeze ourselves onto the grass. There were so many people there so we were lucky to be even sitting down. From our spot, we only saw one of the characters - Dai (Big). Actually, there are two Dai’s but we saw the bigger of the two. I took pictures here too but the combination of my camera being shitty and it being night - they didn’t come out too well. Here is a pretty good writeup of what Daimonji is and the pictures here are much better than mine.
The trek home was not fun - on the train back, an old lady was rubbing up against my ass and then when she left, an old man stumbled and slapped his hand on my ass, and then after he apologized, he touched my ass again. It was rather funny. I now appreciate the sexiness and appeal of my ass much more.
It was a great weekend and although we’re both tired beyond sleep, I just had to put this up before I forget any details.
And here’s what you’ve been waiting for - the pics!
- A cicada flew onto my balcony and died. Since I’ve been bitching about them for awhile, here’s to show you guys what the hell I’m afraid of. Keep in mind this sucker has been dead awhile and has shrivelled up a bit. I placed a one-yen coin beside it so you guys can get an idea of how big it is. (A one-yen coin is about the size of a Canadian penny). Too bad I can’t show you guys how noisy these fuckers are.
- The Eiga Mura - the cool, old looking buildings.
- I challenged a samurai and because I, a Canadian, am not used to the hot weather, grudgingly gave in after a strenuous 524 rounds of intense steel clashing action.
- The sword fight scene - the hero (in white) fends off two goons. The damsel will soon be threatened by the goon behind the hero but the goon will be sliced apart. (By the way, she was sort of cute.)
- A ninja travels building to building via a thin rope. This guy’s awesome! Actually, it was a mechanical mockup similar to those teddy bears that ride unicycles across a string in some toy stores.
- Daimonji - BIG. Sorry these are bad pictures.
- Daimonji - BIG 2. Visit here for some more pictures.
And I’m Bored Again
August 13, 2003
It’s 9:21pm and there is no one on the internet at this moment. Everyone on my ICQ is N/A and sleeping soundly because only Vancouver people are on my list. There’s no one online on my MSN because a lot of my Japanese friends don’t go online or maybe they’ve put me on their block list. I’ve re-revisited everyone’s webpages to be thoroughly disappointed that no one has updated. I was |< --THIS-->| close to signing into Friendster because Dennis has done so and maybe I’d go and reach for fake friendships. There’s nothing on television (that I would understand). I’m kinda bored of the Battlezone II mod. Eri is out with some friends. I am bored.
I was tinkering with some pages for the last hour - made a couple minute changes that probably no one will notice. I’ve put up that picture dump but there are only four pictures there right now anyway. I’m bored!
Someone better wake up right now and chat with me.
Picture Time
August 12, 2003
On the last day of July, a hot and humid Thursday, I was probably playing Battlezone II for the millionth time when I heard a lot of drums and music from outside. I knew it was going to be something cool. On the way home from work, I saw some Chinese lion dancing going on and some people were wearing shirts that said something about a lion something festival. Because I have such a powerful sense of foresight, I placed my shitty digital camera beside me with the cap off. I was ready to snap at anything out of the ordinary. So, at the beat of the drums, I opened my window and saw the second of three trucks. On the back of the trucks were about a dozen traditionally dressed ladies. They even had the very Japanesque white faced makeup. I took aim and managed to get a blurry picture of the third truck as it passed my house. The ladies were waving at people and a few of them managed to spot me, on the balcony, with a camera aiming at them. They smiled a lovely smile. They might’ve also been smiling (smirking) because I was shirtless at the time and my upper body ain’t exactly pleasing to the ladies.
So without further delay, here is another picture that will be found in a miscellaneous dump in the Created page. I’ll put that up soon.
Sorry about this blurry picture. I really need a new camera. And sorry for waiting two weeks before putting it up - I was going to take some more pictures and fill up the card but eh… it was too hot. There’s this cool lantern hanging thing at the temple near my house so maybe I’ll get some more pics soon.
Flash Does Good
August 11, 2003
An ingenious puzzle game creation using flash. Help guide our loveable hero through puzzles so that he can save his (ugly) little home planet. Very strange, very cute, very nice pictures.
Perhaps one of the best uses of flash since HSR!!!
The Typhoon
August 08, 2003
My first typhoon! Number 10 will be the first typhoon this year to really hit Osaka. Actually, they’re projecting it to pass over all the Japanese islands. Right now the winds are not too strong and it’s not raining too much. I’ve been keeping an eye on the news and they’re saying the strong winds will be here at 18:40 (it’s 18:00 right now). I wanted to capture how strong the winds are with my webcam. I hauled everything over and positioned the camera. In the end, I decided not too because right now the winds aren’t too spectacular, the camera can’t really see clearly how much the trees are swaying, and if any of the neighborhood residents see a little camera pointing towards their house, they’ll call the old cops on me. I have to go pick up Eri at the station in 20. I hope we don’t get stranded in the middle of a windstorm. Wish me luck…
Humidity
August 05, 2003
I’d by a hypocrite if I’m telling people to update when I don’t do so myself so here it is. I’ve been saving some things over the past few days to say.
I’ll start by saying that summer is finally blooming here in Osaka. It’s probably about 30 or 31, I can’t really tell anymore, but the humidity is just fanning the fire. Humidity is to heat what windchill is to coldness. By the way, I was told that Osaka at one point meant, “Big Hill”. Supposedly at one time in its long history it was a very hilly and marshy area. Now, it’s as flat as many girls were in highschool and the marshlands have been “reclaimed”.
Next on the list, a big HELLO goes to Daniel who MSN’d me wondering what the deal was with my name. He thought it might’ve been something bad happening here. Well, not really dude. Put your heart at rest. Even though MANY things piss the fuck out of me in this country, I still enjoy it here as a whole. Many things in Canada piss me off too but I love the country to death (that’s why I left).
Today I had my ten month observation and feedback. The actual lesson itself was shit. For some reason, the students in feedback lessons happen to be on the deep end of the insanity pool. Basically the worst things you can imagine in a lesson happened. Still, my trainer was uber cool and he knows me enough that this lesson wasn’t representative of my whole, God-like existence. Remind me to turn my ego setting to Medium later. My trainer gave me fair feedback and also some very positive news. Also, I got another unofficial compliment from the customer service area of my office. Through their secret monitoring of lessons (which I suspect is illegal), they take unofficial notes and give positive and/or negative feedback. So far, I got two positive things and no negative stuff… that I know of. Phew.
After work, I met Masa, a good ol buddy from Tokyo and three of his friends. I was late because I thought he was in the Nankai South Tower Hotel but they were actually at the Nankai Hotel. Can’t anyone trademark a fucking name in this place? Anyhow, we ended walking in the sweltering heat and enjoying coffee, Amemura, and a few spiked drinks. Most of their English ability wasn’t very good so I had a good chance to practice my Japanese. I still suck ass compared to their English but hell, I could talk a bit and I understood a fair bit too. Not bad for less than 3 months of lessons I think.
Only 37 days till we go to Hokkaido and 36 days till our three year anni. Time flies but what a ride!
Another Dream
August 01, 2003
Once inawhile I will have these really cool dreams. In the past I’ve written such classics as the XCom battle where I was stuck and my bastard friends didn’t do anything to help me as the aliens were about to break through the door. I think I was holding a weapon but couldn’t use it. Another one, while vising a museum featuring H.R. Giger’s Aliens, some of the xenomorphs came to life and were terrorizing the visitors. Sadly I didn’t have any weapons and was just running away, running away really scared.
Last night, in what became an instant classic, another dream was had.
First I started at work. Yet, this office was damn cool. The terminals we used were much more hi tech and the people seemed cool. All of a sudden, a blackout shut the place down. Everything went dark - never a good sign. I was happy though because whenever things are shut down it means we don’t have to work. I don’t really remember what happened next.
Then I found myself roaming a really big department store. Something inside told me I had to kill people and all of a sudden I found an assault rifle in my hand. Armed and with a motive, I was ready to commit heinous crimes. I roamed the aisles of this department store and opened fire on whoever happened to be there. I knew there were security cards as once in awhile I had to hide behind things to avoid them. I have no idea how many people were killed but I remember at least four or five.
I remember the last thing I did in this dream was something really bad… it involved a girl that was there.
Then I woke up.
It was a cool, disturbing dream and from now on, please make sure i never buy a gun.
