Can’t Sleep
October 01, 2001
I do my best thinking in the time span between jumping into bed and falling asleep. It’s my critical thinking time, I think. It works best when after the thinking I fall asleep and put those thoughts into dream cycles to run different scenarios to find different outcomes.
I am a machine.
Like all machines, I sometimes malfunction and here I am at 2 in the freakin morning updating my forsaken website.
I am a machine with issues.
Not big psychological deep-down-hire-shrink issues, but I guess the word would be ‘hang-ups’. They cause me to freeze in life and everything that ever was to me would become stagnant – much like the economy we live in.
I am a machine with issues on down time and I need coffee.
Yes. But I’m not alone. Eri can’t sleep too. She decided to pop a video in the video machine while I update on the webpage machine. I get the feeling that sometimes I update too much about things that go wrong, or things that suck, or things that just plain piss me off. I might be pulling off the wrong impression that I’m out there to find sympathy from you, the dear reader, who might, on some inner level, know what I’m thinking about and say, “Hey, Jerry, you’re right. I feel bad for you and I wish it goes better.”
No. That’s not my goal. Right?
No. I write because I write. You read because you read. I write, you read. Simple Simplicity. No matter. My problem: I’m not advancing in anything. I’m in the same position where I was a year ago, or 2 years ago, or maybe even 3 years ago. I’m same. I’m not moving. I’m not evolving. I’m not improving.
In other words, I’m letting everyone/everything else improve while I remain same, which means I’m actually getting worse relative to everything else. I hate that. I make all these great ambitious plans and set short/long term objectives that are somewhat attainable but just need a lot of work. I know I can do it. I just can’t get past the first step of doing that lot of work part. I’m a LMF. Ack.
For example; I bumped into someone from my highschool who I spoke to on occassion (which means I never spoke to him). I didn’t care about him before. He was one of those who melded into the shadows and not a soul would ever notice him. <Vanity>I always thought of myself as somewhat better than him </Vanity>. Yet, here we are, 4 years after high school, and he comes over and talks to me. He knew my name and it took me awhile before I realized it was him. I mean, god, this boy has changed. And here I am and I haven’t changed. I’m still stuck in this rut.
Now here’s what I will do.
I don’t like being complacent (sp?). I don’t like people who complain and bitch without planning action. In my mind, all the answers are already there, waiting for me to do them. I will do them. Soon. I think I’ll begin when my significant other returns home and I’ll have a lot more free time. I know what to do which is a good thing. So, there’s no need for you, dear reader, to message me with some sort of moral or <gulp> anecdote about some past event that I probably don’t really want to know anyway. I’ll get by. I’ll survive.
Thanks for reading. Here’s your reward – it’s my inspiration.
PS. I wonder what happened to all my visitors I used to have. Oh well.
