I’m a short fused little boy
August 31, 2001
Everything is making me angry and frustrated. Everything. I catch myself making pretty mean remarks at people who I love to be with. I’m asking myself why I’m so mean lately and I’ve narrowed it down to 2 things. Number 1: I haven’t had a single cigarette since Sunday night, and Number 2: I’m a bitch. It’s not that am always a bitch, it’s just that something has been dwelling in my mind for the past little while that is just ooh… making me bitch at everything. I’m SO damn cranky lately.
Even people who don’t know me that well come up to me and say how tired I look. I crack a fake smile and tell them I didn’t sleep much last night when I really slept 8 or 9 hours. I hate being a fake asshole.
I wish I can scream out the thing that I’m dwelling on but it’s really nothing. Self-fabricated what-if’s that are rubbing it in each and everyday of my miserable life. Plus, if I do scream out this thing, some lives will be forever changed. It sounds really drastic but it’s really not. But, like the old saying goes, oh fuck the old sayings. Fuck it all. I’m really annoyed.
I’m glad however, that I’ve quit smoking. I have the urges to go out and buy some, but then I realize that I don’t even want to smoke. It’s all primal urges now – yes, the urge for tobacco is a primal urge. I figure if I can kick smoking, I can pretty much do whatever the hell I want. Believe me, quitting smoking is no walk in the park.
I know things are changing in my life. Weird but wonderful things. The artistic side is coming back to me. I want to get back in shape – nay, I WILL get back in shape. My school schedule is practically perfect as it fits a great work-out regime in.
Things are stirring in my life. The old paradigms are melting away, revealing new and exciting shapes by which I will live by.
WOOHOO!!!!
(too bad for the crappy stuff though)
