I’m a short fused little boy
August 31, 2001
Everything is making me angry and frustrated. Everything. I catch myself making pretty mean remarks at people who I love to be with. I’m asking myself why I’m so mean lately and I’ve narrowed it down to 2 things. Number 1: I haven’t had a single cigarette since Sunday night, and Number 2: I’m a bitch. It’s not that am always a bitch, it’s just that something has been dwelling in my mind for the past little while that is just ooh… making me bitch at everything. I’m SO damn cranky lately.
Even people who don’t know me that well come up to me and say how tired I look. I crack a fake smile and tell them I didn’t sleep much last night when I really slept 8 or 9 hours. I hate being a fake asshole.
I wish I can scream out the thing that I’m dwelling on but it’s really nothing. Self-fabricated what-if’s that are rubbing it in each and everyday of my miserable life. Plus, if I do scream out this thing, some lives will be forever changed. It sounds really drastic but it’s really not. But, like the old saying goes, oh fuck the old sayings. Fuck it all. I’m really annoyed.
I’m glad however, that I’ve quit smoking. I have the urges to go out and buy some, but then I realize that I don’t even want to smoke. It’s all primal urges now – yes, the urge for tobacco is a primal urge. I figure if I can kick smoking, I can pretty much do whatever the hell I want. Believe me, quitting smoking is no walk in the park.
I know things are changing in my life. Weird but wonderful things. The artistic side is coming back to me. I want to get back in shape – nay, I WILL get back in shape. My school schedule is practically perfect as it fits a great work-out regime in.
Things are stirring in my life. The old paradigms are melting away, revealing new and exciting shapes by which I will live by.
WOOHOO!!!!
(too bad for the crappy stuff though)
I’m really hating this webpage
August 29, 2001
Really! It’s just really pissing me off now. It’s been awhile hasn’t it? I guess that being pissed off at just looking at this webpage makes it harder to update.
I have been well, physically. Mentally, I’ve been in rollercoasters of crazy ups and moody lows. All caused by my stupidness. I feel I’m just a freak sometimes, thinking of these stupid stupid things that don’t concern me at all, and never will. It’s really bugging me! Why can’t I be one of those simple minded fools who laugh and skip around all day? Their lives are free of the anguishes of mental torture that torment me in every waking moment of my life (and sometimes in my blasted dreams too).
… AAAAAnyways…
I bought myself an acid-free sketchbook made out of recycled paper, a set of 6 different toned pencils, a new eraser, and a sharpener about a week ago. I’ve been sketching various things since then. It’s my new hobby. Actually, it’s my re-discovered hobby. When I was really young, I used to draw so much. Then came high school and all that drawingness went away. Now it’s back! I’m not very good with shading ~ it’s the one thing that I’m working on the most. Hopefully by the end of the pages, I will see a big improvement.
… AAAAAnyways…
I was in Whistler last weekend – I really needed it. I spent some time on Saturday night lying on the grass staring at the stars. There are literally thousands more stars visible from Whistler than Vancouver. And I can only see the milky way from Whistler (you know, that faint white gassy stream). This time though, I only saw 2 shooting stars compared to the 20+ I saw last year. Still nice.
I’m glad school is starting next week. I need a break from work. Isn’t it weird? Starting school will be my break from my summer break. That’s weird. It’s weird I tell ya!
… AAAAAnyways…
Yay!!! Eri is back in 13 days! YIPPEEE!!!!
that’s 2 days in a row of updating. something must be up at this webpage.
August 12, 2001
You bet it is, mister!
Hi friend. Welcome back. What an interesting day today. Dragonboat practice in the afternoon which resulted in the losing of my voice (oh, I’m the caller now), a nice late lunch, and then the rest of the day was spent playing around in photoshop.
Then some friends came over and we watched ‘Ring’. If you haven’t heard about this movie, then you must have had your fingers in your ears and eyes blindfolded and you were living in a dark cave on Mars. It wasn’t as scary as everyone says it was. I didn’t find it scary at all really. Some reasons for this is because there are so many chinese movies that copy scenes from that movie in a bastardly, somewhat comedic way. I was surprised that I knew of so many scenes in this movie without ever watching it. Another reason is because I predict things that happen in movies and horror movies are just way too predictable nowadays.
I have to work super freaking early tomorrow morning (until 10 at freaking night), so I will just display my work here and go to sleep.
Did I say here? I really meant here.
postmortem preressurrectional gambit
August 11, 2001
I’ve decided to postpone a redesign because I noticed I get bored with a site, kill it, put up another, and repeat. It’s an endless mad cycle. Frustrating. I think I’m going to play around with photoshop some more instead, not making webpages, but just making art. Jerry art. Not for you. For me.
I think I’m at a point where the storm has gone and I’m rummaging through a lot of old stuff. It’s not so much one problem anymore. It was a collage of problems, some not even mine, that amalgamated into a fine mess that splattered all over me. (I’m trying to use them perty big words eh?)
My mini-project will just to take pictures of ordinary things around my house and make it into a picture of some sort. Should I post? Maybe. I think it’ll be fun. I’m sure the first few pieces will just be terrible – blurs, some dots, some lines, some gradients – you know, that’s all I’ve ever done.
I’d like to backtrack and talk more about problems that affect me that don’t even belong to me. It seems I’m like some sort of radar dish when it comes to negativity. Lately, I’ve had no personal life. It has all been work. That’s not true, work has become my personal life. It sounds really pathetic to most people, but then again, my job is nothing like a normal job.
Firstly, it’s fun. It’s hard work at times (S~T~R~E~S~S~S~S), but we work hard and we play hard. Which is great!!! Then there are some animosities that are created from all this stress that goes around. And somehow, I absorb all of this, even when most of it has nothing to do with me, and let it get to me. Sucks.
But that’s alright. 99% of my coworkers are too cool for words. It’s the best team I’ve ever worked with that’s for sure. I compare many teams now with my work ‘team’ and the latter runs circles around all the others. So I feel proud to be in that team. <GLEAM>
I have a lot of links saved up but they’re all old now since I haven’t updated in awhile, so screw them. The only one worth putting up was that the guy who played Mr. Belvedere died at age 60 something. I liked that guy. He seemed like a good man. RIP.
