Needs
March 24, 2000
When I was younger and still in high school, I remember wanting to be cool and popular and be liked and loved by everyone, especially those who had a “higher” social standing. This was just a little dream I had and it didn’t come true or anything – I was never popular and don’t expect I will be.
I remember thinking about myself and my ranking in the social hierarchy of things. I sucked in that ranking. Bottom feeders were more popular.
Then as I got older, this yearning subsided around the time I got my driver’s license. It just didn’t seem important anymore because I had many friends, some of which were really close and dear to me. I was content with who I was and where I stood.
I thought, as long as I have my close friends, I’ll still feel secure. So in a way, I let who I befriended define who I was. It seemed to make sense at the time.
I kept this way of thinking for quite awhile. Kept it until just recently actually, when a series of “tragedies” occurred in my life and some close friends were no longer close. When this happened, I fell back on other friends, much like a firefighter falling on a safety net. This kept order in my life and I was, under the circumstances, content.
I think I might have been down to my last metaphorical safety net this little while and I realized if I lost the current friends, I wouldn’t have anymore and as such, I wouldn’t be able to define who I am. This troubled me greatly because the one thing that has been difficult for me throughout my life is the lack of identity.
I spent the next little while contemplating this and concluded that this is a fatal weakness in me. If I were to not have friends, I would lose touch with who I am. I’m quite a defensive person and I try very hard to not have weaknesses, for many people in this world have bad intentions and take advantage of weaknesses.
Whenever I feel I have a weakness in my personality, I strive to correct it. Without weaknesses, I believe, nothing can harm me. Unfortunately, this also includes resistance to trust others. In fact, I rarely fully trust anyone unless they have proven time and time again they are trustworthy. I’m digressing.
So during my contemplation period, I came to realize that my need of people is not set in stone. Like modifying a program, I set in my mind that I don’t need anyone to carry on my life. And as such, my identity which I value above practically everything, was free of dependance on people.
I have noticed others my age seem to have only a few friends and any new friends are usually only skin deep in relationship. Is it because age dissolves our need to be recognized socially? It might be correlated.
So like a butterfly emerging from its chrysallis, I’m reborn with a stronger personality.
There are some who won’t “evolve” past this point and remain locked into their current state of being. I read in a psychology textbook that high self monitors really heavily on superficial things to keep order in their life (in terms of self-esteem, self-perception, etc). I pity these people because they are more easily hurt by social pressures and other misfortunes.
I don’t know why I just wrote that, perhaps it has been in my mind for awhile and writing it out helps me put it at ease. I don’t know. What do you think about it? Am I becoming ever distant from humanity? Let me know.
