Needs
March 24, 2000
When I was younger and still in high school, I remember wanting to be cool and popular and be liked and loved by everyone, especially those who had a “higher” social standing. This was just a little dream I had and it didn’t come true or anything - I was never popular and don’t expect I will be.
I remember thinking about myself and my ranking in the social hierarchy of things. I sucked in that ranking. Bottom feeders were more popular.
Then as I got older, this yearning subsided around the time I got my driver’s license. It just didn’t seem important anymore because I had many friends, some of which were really close and dear to me. I was content with who I was and where I stood.
I thought, as long as I have my close friends, I’ll still feel secure. So in a way, I let who I befriended define who I was. It seemed to make sense at the time.
I kept this way of thinking for quite awhile. Kept it until just recently actually, when a series of “tragedies” occurred in my life and some close friends were no longer close. When this happened, I fell back on other friends, much like a firefighter falling on a safety net. This kept order in my life and I was, under the circumstances, content.
I think I might have been down to my last metaphorical safety net this little while and I realized if I lost the current friends, I wouldn’t have anymore and as such, I wouldn’t be able to define who I am. This troubled me greatly because the one thing that has been difficult for me throughout my life is the lack of identity.
I spent the next little while contemplating this and concluded that this is a fatal weakness in me. If I were to not have friends, I would lose touch with who I am. I’m quite a defensive person and I try very hard to not have weaknesses, for many people in this world have bad intentions and take advantage of weaknesses.
Whenever I feel I have a weakness in my personality, I strive to correct it. Without weaknesses, I believe, nothing can harm me. Unfortunately, this also includes resistance to trust others. In fact, I rarely fully trust anyone unless they have proven time and time again they are trustworthy. I’m digressing.
So during my contemplation period, I came to realize that my need of people is not set in stone. Like modifying a program, I set in my mind that I don’t need anyone to carry on my life. And as such, my identity which I value above practically everything, was free of dependance on people.
I have noticed others my age seem to have only a few friends and any new friends are usually only skin deep in relationship. Is it because age dissolves our need to be recognized socially? It might be correlated.
So like a butterfly emerging from its chrysallis, I’m reborn with a stronger personality.
There are some who won’t “evolve” past this point and remain locked into their current state of being. I read in a psychology textbook that high self monitors really heavily on superficial things to keep order in their life (in terms of self-esteem, self-perception, etc). I pity these people because they are more easily hurt by social pressures and other misfortunes.
I don’t know why I just wrote that, perhaps it has been in my mind for awhile and writing it out helps me put it at ease. I don’t know. What do you think about it? Am I becoming ever distant from humanity? Let me know.
Sample
March 17, 2000
Here’s a sneak peak at jv2.1. It’s in the early stages of development. If you see any bugs or something does not look right, contact me immediately (and cause me a big headache).
Alright, I just spent the last one and a half hours perfecting it and I think I’ve done it. All there’s left to do is make the stylesheet, a graphic, and port stuff over. Thus, v2 is in its last steps.
03/16/00
Things to say things to do
1. We lost yet another hockey game. Dennis played as Sunny (read about it at his site). We lost 3-1, but Vince had a shot that went in and their defense swept it out - which is supposed to be an automatic goal. The big fat tub of a ref didn’t see it so it didn’t count. If only he got on the stairmaster once a week, he would have the strength to roll over to the goal and fucking see. Oh well, I got a goal! A breakaway and on the top shelf… nice if i do say so myself. Nice.
2. Dennis has been mentioning how he feels old. (again, go to his site). Fuck you. You’re only 20. That’s only about one quarter through an average person’s life. As for me, I’ll never feel old. I plan to live forever. Haha. Stop feeling old you gasbag. Live young and then die old. I have no idea what that means but just sounds cool.
3. My stupid new site that I’m working on isn’t turning out exactly as I wanted it to so I dumped it and started over. Curse netscape and their inability to do so much stuff. My nice nice design was messed up after loading it in ns. Curses. It’ll get done soon.
4. Dennis mentioned about my lyric writing ability. Rather flattering and nice to know my “talents” are appreciated. And yes, not to sound shameless, but I do think I sing well. Not superstar well, but better than your average joe. Who’s Joe? Curses.
So… I just pulled out my dusty guitar once again and fiddling around with it. Dennis: I propose we actually write a full song together, whatever the genre it may be.
5. It’s Dennis’ bday dinner tomorrow (why the hell is Dennis mentioned in every one of these things? Curses?). The people going seems to be an odd lot (for the third time, refer to Dennis’ site!) so it sounds really fun. And we’re going to watch a classic after dinner too. Yippee.
6. Um… I’m out of things to say and do.
Huzzah.
It is the greatest accomplishment ever! Greater than Quake, greater than SES, greater even than Kung Fu!
March 15, 2000
Unbelievable!
After two hours, I made a working copy of the webpage formerly known as prototype #1. That’s not the end of it…
Ladies and Gentlemen, IT IS NETSCAPE COMPLIANT!
100% compliant! (As far as I can tell) It was 99% compliant but I found a way to perfect it with a little cheating. Haha! I RULE!
So the framework of the page is done, now I just have to make the stuffing and I could transfer it onto the server! Woohoo!
I’m still not 100% certain it will be the next webpage - but chances are very good. WOOHOO.
As for other news, I think I screwed up my finance midterm. Oh well. Fuck it - i made a webpage work in netscape. That’s greater than any bond, stock, or debenture!
Actually, this is my second webpage that works in netscape - the first was made a long time ago but looked crappy.
Huzzah.
Prototype #1 - Need your comments
March 14, 2000
As the title suggests. Look at the picture. Send me your comments.
Hi once again
March 12, 2000
Another Basketball Sunday for me. I sucked today, which is consistent with my inconsistency in basketball. Sucks to the stupid gym because it was open for only one and a half hours before the badminton wussies got it. Who the fuck plays badminton? Well I’ll tell you who: kids and some girls.
As we were walking out, I saw some decent looking girls carry fancy shmancy Yonex badminton cover things in. Damn. I like badminton now.
This is boring.
I have a midterm in a couple days but of course, I won’t study for it until the last nanosecond. The way things are.
Blim lim lim.
Blast our luck and our shitty skills
March 02, 2000
Well sir, lost another one of our hockey games again. This time to the top ranking team in our division. The first half we just plain sucked. Nobody could clear the fucking ball. How hard is it to clear the fucking ball? Not very hard if you ask me. So I was pissed off at our rather crude performance. Then second half came around and finally we put up better effort. We shut them out in the second half but sadly, our shitty performance let them score more than enough to not worry about our half-shut-out.
The only goal scorer on our team was Vince. Yeah for Vince! He was assisted by the talented Ed. That guy is our playmaker. He has assists for pretty much every goal our team has scored.
Captain Aaron “Bulldozer” Joe took a beating when he rammed his leg into the door on a shift. Ouch for him. He was limping for the rest of the game. Sunny “Freight Train” Ng took a couple beatings from the other team (who outweighed, outshot, outpassed, outran, outeverythinged our team).
I guess I got off easily. Only injury I have is my left middle finger feels like I jammed it into my hand. I can’t hold a tight fist without wincing in pain. War momentos I’m sure.
AND I FUCKING MISSED A BREAKFUCKINGAWAY. Well, I was being hacked to death and the ball was a little too far ahead. I got a haphazard shot in. When I saw the goalie cover it, I fucking wanted to rip off his head.
I hate myself for saying it, but I want to redesign
I just got the funny feeling of boredom with this webpage. It’s too bland, not matching my colorful personality. I have zero ideas on how it will look so it’ll probably take awhile to implement. Plus, I think I’m actually going to code it myself just to show myself that I can.
I’m going to better my photoshop skills too… perfect, not too many midterms/assignments coming up in the next week. Gonna sneak a few hours of quake in too. Yeah for me.
Oh yeah, I think my perception of my physical body is flawed
I just got back from Justin’s Webpage and it turns out we’re both the same height - sounds about right, but i’m only less 10lbs. (NOT DISSING YOU JUSTIN! READ: NOT). Now, I always thought I was a broom while Justin is uh not a broom. So I guess I will perceive myself to not be as broomy as I thought. Yeah.
“Autobots transform and drive in water”
March 01, 2000
Ahh, we just finshed watching Transformers: The Movie and it wasn’t as good as I remembered it. Well, the sound and video quality were shitty so that may have dragged it down a bit but I saw so many things that didn’t make sense (big walking robots aside).
Eg: a Chopper that flew in space, driving underwater, lasers that arch (maybe from intense gravity like that of a blackhole… but on earth?), universal language that wasn’t known to everyone (hence not very universal), Galvatron choking Rodimus (need air?), the strange dissappearance of a lot of matter when Soundwave or Blaster (probably about 30 feet tall each) would transform into a puny walkman or stereo system, and of course, Perceptor’s function (what the fuck do they need him for?).
Still, this movie brought back a lot of memories, mainly of harassing parents to buy each and every toy Mattel (or was it Hasbro?) produced. I had a lot of Transformers. Then again, what boy born in the eighties didn’t? Unless you were one of those queers who instead had loyalties with those sissy GoBots. Haha they were so gay.
Bring Forth My New Quest
It’s March now (finally that freak month February is gone). My life revamp is still in the works but I’m thinking over some issues that plague me like a plague. I’m not too witty because I have no wit.
To aid me in my quest, here is the posting of a Eujin pic.
Friend’s sites
Here is my advertising for sites of people I know:
Justin has released his webpage he’s been secretly working on and it’s not called Everything Is AOK. Damn. It looks really messy right now but it’s still being made and some graphics are to be uploaded.
Dennis’ site, Sinned’s Realm is one of the most interesting sites I visit because his updates are more than just some guy writing about what he did (doh… that’s me). Maybe i’ll copy his site content:
Quote of the day: “Self Inviters rot in hell and hope your dick falls off you pathetic manwhores.” - Jerry
Then there’s Jesse’s Supertrunk’s Domain. There’s no quotes of the days, no pictures of naked quake characters, nor even too much bitching like my site. Still, it’s a good visit because the site is nicely designed.
Andrew has a webpage titled Andrew’s Webpage. If you like looking at pictures of some guy’s car, then this is the site to be at. If not, then there’s nothing else to look at.
Sunny has a site that collects dust. Dreakon’s Lair has not been updated since Oct 18, 99. I think next to my site, Sunny bitches the most about life. Still, I reign supreme in that department.
I believe that’s all the sites of friends that I know of. If you think you’re my friend and you have a webpage, let me know. Put as the subject line: Jerry, are you my friend?
If you are associated in any way with Self-induced invitational jerkoffs, then your reply will simply state, “NO”.
I can rest assured that my webpage is of all the sites mentioned above, wins the Most Bitching About Life Award, presented to only true pathetic keepers of webpages. C’est ma vie, bien, fuck toi.
Under Construction
Not my webpage you idiot. Webpage Fallacy #1 - you think people don’t know that your stupid webpage is under construction so you post up “Under Construction”.
What is under construction is my life. These few days have been strenuous because after a little annoyance, I once again re-examined my life. This time I concluded that my dependencies were too many so I had to revamp the infrastructure of my life. It does seem like I’m making a webpage for my mind.
Also, I’ve been “studying” too so that’s why I didn’t write anything too interesting (except the latest write). The midterm was last night and I think i did miserably. I passed, but that’s about it. Sucks.
Back to my revamping. After the first revamp which occurred over the christmas break, I broke off many dependencies because I feel a person should not be dependent on anything. The more dependent someone is on something, the more that thing can harm that someone.
So, after that revamp, I went through January and February. Then last week, I realized there were more which I could be independent of and so it has been done.
I hate thinking you can depend on something and then it turns out that you really can’t. I hate it when people depend on me as well. It’s flattering or whatever, but don’t they realize NOTHING in the world stays forever and at some point in time, things change, things end, things turn sour? “Nothing stays gold forever” - The Outsiders.
Anything else I should mention? Yes. I’m looking for a summer job. I hate job hunting. It’s worse than losing in quake (which rarely happens). Damn you Dennis. I got you back with the rail though. Hah.
Oh yeah:
Greetings to Hans Fraulweick from Sabin and the rest of the Final Fantasy III Greeting Committee. Yeah so that Hans guy is supposedly going into Final Fantasy territory. Sabin & Co. is sure to roll out the red carpet for him. Yeah right. Who the hell is this Hans person? Who knows. He currently has a part time job writing at Sinned’s Realm. He likes saying knave a lot. Much like Sabin likes saying, “kick ass”.
But it’s all good. You know I don’t even know what the hell I’m writing about right now. My mind is just a blank. Fine I’ll bitch some more. I tried studying these few days but I just can’t concentrate. All I can do is daydream about training and sparring (sparrred my cousin for a little while tonight. Fun as hell).
Then there’s school where I don’t know anyone or the people that I do know don’t talk to me much. In my early high school years, I might have given a damn and have a hurt ego or whatever, but now, as a free spirited psycho, I don’t care. There’s a lot of people who think knowing people and popularity are golden fleeces of society - maybe in their dense minds. Frankly, I don’t give a damn if I died a man who wasn’t known. Live and let die, and then frollick in heaven.
I’m babbling again. I guess I’m doing one of those freewriting exercises where you’re supposed to keep writing for about five minutes and not let the pen stop moving. Supposed to better writing skills. I’ve been doing this for about 2 years now and my writes are still stupid. Stupid!
So, I’ll end it here because it’s 12:32am and I have to get up at 7:15. Goodnight people and don’t forget to tune in really soon because my Life Revamp Plan will produce some funny, but delightful results.
“A Dingo Took Your Baby”
