The loneliest heart is the one that doesn’t know it’s alone
January 24, 2000
I’ve been giving a lot of thought lately about shit, because, a lot of shit has happened this little while. For those of you close to me, you’ll understand what kinds of shits I’m referring to. It’s made me realize that you really have to know what’s good around you. Pause from what you’re doing and take a look up… take a good look. You’ll be surprised when you look that you might have missed a lot of good stuff.
I admit. I took a lot of things for granted: friends, awesome family, good health, smarts (just a little), and a myriad of other things. I still do. It’s just that a lot of things have changed and will never be the same now. I hate all this change. I didn’t want change – I hate change.
I guess it was a dream I was in where everything stayed the way it was. Things were almost perfect before. Then something took that perfection away from my life. Was it God? Fate? Destiny? I don’t know. I was angry at all this change. I was angry at myself because I couldn’t stop it. Half of my life was torn away and the rest of me was left in shambles.
I know now that this is part of life. Life is the pursuit of truth and truth hurts. It hurts like a bitch. Yet, there’s nothing we can do to stop this. As noble a creature we humans are, we are still part of this fragile balance of life.
I’m not afraid of change, not anymore. No one should be afraid of change because it’s inevitable. There was a point where I stopped and asked myself, "How am I going to go on now?". I didn’t know. My life just paused. You probably won’t know what I’m talking about. Pretend you’re a baby and you had a rattle that you held on to all day long and never let it go. It’s just a rattle but it was YOUR rattle. Now imagine that rattle being ripped out of your hands and you’re sitting there, wondering where that rattle is and what are you going to hold on to now. That’s kind of what it feels like.
There’s a chinese saying, when loosely translated equals, "If you can pick it up, you can let it go." I’ve been thinking about that saying a lot too, about how I should let go of the past and continue on towards the future.
Well, here I am, about to continue on towards the future. I take a look and see nothing. I turn around and look at the already distant past, again, I see nothing. I turn around and see what’s around me: nothing.
I’m in a void. Bruce Lee’s Tao of Jeet Kune Do mentioned a void where, "there is nothing which it excludes or opposes. It is living void, because all forms come out of it and whoever realizes the void is filled with life and power and the love of all beings." I realize a void but I don’t think it’s the same void we’re talking about.
In my void, there is nothing. No life, no power, no love. There’s also no happiness, no sadness, no anger, no jealousy, no rage, no hatred. There’s absolutely nothing. I don’t feel scared nor do I feel safe in this void. It just is. I just don’t care anymore. If BL’s is "living void" then mine must be the Dead Void.
I spend my days now eating, watching tv, surfing the net, and practising some martial arts techniques. I sleep and I awake. I go to school and return. I live but yet, I don’t. I don’t have the motivation that drives me and encourages me to improve. My motivation is gone, in a far away place, that I can’t easily get access to.
Picking up the pieces is not my specialty because I tend to take way too long doing it. I pick up one piece and carefully look at it and remember how that piece fit in the whole picture. This time, there are many many many pieces to pick up and examine.
Heh. If you read this all the way, then you might think I’m gonna commit suicide or something (i just read it from the top and realized it’s so gloomy). Well don’t worry, I’m not going to kill myself. (Or maybe that makes you sad?) Haha.
I think i’m going back to my roots – kind of like turning back time and copying my lifestyle before. Like around grade 9 or 10? All I ever did was practise kung fu and watch tv – but I was really content back then.
To realize freedom, the mind has to learn to look at life, which is a vast movement without the bondage of time, for freedom lies beyond the field of consciousness. Watch, but don’t stop and interpret, "I am free" – then you’re living in a memory of something that has gone. To understand and live now, everything of yesterday must die. - Bruce Lee, Tao of Jeet Kune Do
